Very very bad

Yes, I have been negligent in posting. It has begun to feel like I’m avoiding my thesis all over again. But things have been hectic, both in my life and in my head. I promise to myself that I will post again shortly, however an extensive post tonight is not going to happen. I felt I just needed to write it down, to get it out there, that I will once again start posting about things I really want to discuss. I’m just trying to sort it all out right now, and that takes mental space and time – space and time that are otherwise occupied by both the trivial and dire issues I’m facing right now. I guess I’m also having a hard time figuring out what I want out there versus those things that are best kept to oneself.

But, I promise to get back. Very soon.

Tate Modern

I’ve been meaning to do something with my pictures from London earlier this year. This one was taken under an overpass by the Tate Modern. Walking up to it, it appears to just be a bunch of random lights until you are directly in front of it. Yes, there has been a bit of photoshopping here to increase the saturation. Thank you digital.

Enough already

I was sitting down to write a post on a subject that caught my eye this morning, however upon opening the newspaper, I discovered that in fact, there was something much more dearer to my heart and pressing in the Ottawa area. Three – not one, not two, but three…. 3 PEOPLE!!! Count that people! That’s a lot! Three cyclists in Ottawa were hit by cars today in the Ottawa area. For anyone who doesn’t know Ottawa, the population, particularly for a national capital, is sparse. So three? That’s many. We suffer from what many recently-industrialized North American cities suffer from – a great degree of sprawl that is not only an eyesore, but a reflection of virtually no urban planning stemming from the massive growth that occurred in the late 1960′s and early 70′s, and seems to continue today. Though many of these areas were not originally considered part of Ottawa, they have been amalgamated into one big municipality, where 90% of the city is considered “countryside” with less than one million people in the 5,000 square kilometers that the city comprises. Anyhooters, that is not my main concern here. Just an insight into how small our city actually is, and how 3!! Yes THREE! is a big number.

These accidents bring the total number in Ottawa this summer to twelve. Twelve reported. Anyone who cycles and has friends who do the same knows the number is far greater. They just don’t make the press. As an avid cyclist, this frightens me. Yes, I am now more vigilant when cycling, as I should be. I constantly shoulder check. I take bike paths whenever possible. I am extra cautious when making turns or at stoplights, knowing that drivers don’t always see me. I try to be more courteous than I was previously, if only to show drivers that we are not all evil misfits trying desperately to rush the light and show how we are better, more virtuous people than they are, saving the environment with every turn of the peddle. However, things here have turned ugly. Motorists and cyclists are increasingly clashing, no doubt as a result of each party trying to assert their rights to the road. The discussion boards on the issue are horrendous and make me terribly disheartened and enraged, which makes me want to stop reading the discussion boards. I’ve been in numerous clashes with motorists, where I will admit, my redheaded temper got the best of me and I said things I am not proud of.

The battle is not – should not – be between the cyclists and the motorists. I understand. Motorists are in a rush. A single mom has to get to daycare to pick up her kids. She doesn’t have the luxury of biking to work, as she has to live out in the middle of nowhere in order to afford rent. Her daycare will charge her extra for being late – money she does not have. Traffic to the suburbs is not moving (see lack of urban planning above). She has to then move around the cyclist in her lane, requiring yet another lag in her trip. And so she takes it out on the cyclist. I get it. However, our city – a city that is, comparatively, flush with available cash to deal with the issue, chooses to ignore the problem. A city that claims it has “embraced a strong, cross-departmental environment agenda”, still sees no issue with what is happening, and that in fact, cyclists are choosing to drive or bus to work rather than bike and risk their lives. Only last week, a cyclist was killed when she ended up cutting in front of a bus. In a shared bus/bike lane. Where the bike lane ends and you are forced to cut across the bus lane to make it back to regular traffic lanes. The councillor responsible for this planning? Doesn’t think anything is wrong with buses and bikes sharing a lane.

I understand where all the anger is coming from. Both camps think they are entitled to the road without condition. And unfortunately, the Traffic Act does little to clarify this. Forget the fact that most of us have not read any excerpt from the Act since we were 16. We’re all pissed off. We all have our own shit to deal with. Much of our own shit comes to mind when we are faced with our commute home. Not excusable, but reality.

I know and regularly see many cyclists that do completely dickheadish things when in traffic. I see motorists that are just as guilty. That is just life. If I could steal a line from my ex, my point is this: we need better city planning that provides options for people who don’t want to drive. We need better city planning that doesn’t make drivers enraged. Ottawa has numerous new road and expansion projects on the go, none of which involve building dedicated, barrier-protected lanes for bicycles. I find it absolutely ridiculous that in today’s day and age, our city is not being more accountable for the ideals it professes. I do not for a minute think that someone else should be accountable for our own actions. In fact, having had the career I have had, I am on the opposite side of the liability spectrum. However, in this case, a little planning and management would not be excessive.

Today’s accidents, from what I’ve read, have little to do with driver error. They were unfortunate incidents. Yet taken as a whole, with the glut of accidents recently, they indicate something greater. And when the city does little to address the problem and encourage safe cycling, I am, well, a bit disgusted.

Obedience classes….or why I should never have children

Tonight marked Reggie’s second obedience class, and consequently, my second hour in reschooling how I approach disciplining another being. Last week was horrible and I came home and wrote a totally random and discombobulated post on the experience, which I immediately took down as I realized it made little to no sense and I sounded like an ADD child going through Ritalin withdrawal. I know, I’ve been there.

My dog has many issues, most of which have admittedly been inadvertently encouraged by my over-loving of him and my desire to be loved by him and make his life as enjoyable as possible. But what is best for my selfish desires is not necessarily what is best for him. He is coddled, he is talked to as though he is two year old human – not a canine capable of maiming someone without the conscious notion that hurting is bad, but rather that it is physically natural. He is snuggled, he is fed better than I am, his wardrobe, though limited, is more stylish than mine.* He has the run of the apartment (though it is only approximately 600 square feet). Suffice to say, I have made many parenting mistakes – the same ones I criticize friends and family of making when parenting their children. Many people don’t see the harm in this, as they say this is why we have dogs. Yet, while my dog is not someday going out into the world to make something of himself, and in the process possibly wreaking havoc and destruction and hurt on those he comes into contact with as a person might, this is about me. See how I did that? ALL ABOUT ME! I love it. Seriously though, I see the tendency within myself to act in ways that are selfish when I am able to pass it off as loving. This is how I see many aspects and struggles within parenting. I’m not for one second going to sit here and say I know much about parenting. Save for a long-term relationship with a man who had two kids, in which I still struggled to understand such devotion, I have not experienced the pain of loving someone so unconditionally and so deeply that I would put their happiness and desires above mine AT ALL TIMES. As with most people who have not had their own children, I cannot imagine the love and bond that comes with that. However, I do know that with my dog, a big driving factor is acceptance from him and his desire to pay attention to me, keeping me company on the nights when I’m not feeling so hot; when that anticipated phone call doesn’t come; when I can’t for a minute look at my life objectively and face the things I struggle with that cause me the greatest level of self-analysis and admission of being clothes-lined by the bar I’ve set for myself. If I’m to be truthful with myself in the most raw sense, these are the reasons I’ve considered in the past having children, and yet know I am so very far from being in a place where I’m ready for that.

I don’t want my children to be a reflection of my insecurities or an inverted reaction to my displaced anger. This is one of the things I’ve learned from obedience classes. That said, this is a continuous process that I’m sure I won’t have entirely figured out when and if I do decide to have children. I can’t imagine anyone does. Except of course those who practice yoga religiously and drink only from the chalice. But that is not me. Now drinking from the bottle… that’s a little more mama’s style.

*We live in Canada. He is a shorthaired dachshund adopted from Louisiana. This requires that he wear jackets in winter, boots, and, well, the I Love Obama muscle shirt? It’s just his allegiance to his American roots. And I do think it has something to do with the extra attention he gets from a certain female poodle at the dog park.

Reggie

Hello world!

For those who have started their blogging path on wordpress, I’m sure the “Hello world!” post is equally familiar and awkward. I suppose I could have changed the title, but that required more effort and thought than creating an online dating profile.

I’ve been wanting to start blogging for some time now, however an unfinished (ahem) thesis and several failed relationships have occupied my psyche in the interim. I’ve been inspired by so many other bloggers out there, many of whom I follow on a daily basis (Lilu, lemongloria, restaurantrefugee, Lemmonex, Dooce, Repliderium, ihateosomuch to name a few, though there are so many more) for their sincerity, hilarity, and humility in expressing the human side of all of us. This is what I want to achieve.

I have to say, what has really driven me to write recently has numerous sides. Not in any particular order, they are as follows:

I’m Canadian. I’ve watched the situation in the United States feverishly with great anticipation, pride, anger, sadness and hope. Yes, the hope statement has perhaps been overdone and abused over the past year. I do not purport for a minute that my country is a better, more just place where rainbows and kittens sprinkle fairy dust on my cornflakes in the morning. We certainly have our fair share of scathing political actions, social divides, and struggles in trying to live as a nation and as people who are civil and accepting of one another. However, what I’ve seen over the past eight months in the United States, and particularly since the health care debate has grown into the gargantuan cause for division among the people that it appears to an outsider to be, I cannot ignore what is happening. I could go on and on, but seeing as this is my first post, I will save some fodder for future posts of particular issues. Suffice to say? I’ll be talking politics. The man is not a Communist. The United States is in no way at risk of becoming a socialist state in the true sense of the term. Hell, we are so far from being a true socialist state here in Canada, despite the fact that everyone has access to healthcare. In fact, due to our current government’s policies, healthcare is arguably the only bastion of social welfare that we have left somewhat intact here. We are not a model country in terms of progressive politics today. Anyways, enough said on that matter. Oh, except to that lady in California that states that Canadians get cut off at 55 from life-saving care? Um, yeah, no. Oh, and the swastikas? They have to go. Seriously. Okay, I’ll stop now, except to say that this blog, at times, may make the personal become political (accolades to Mr. Trudeau).

Having been through numerous relationships at the not so ripe age of 31, I hope to be able to say a fair bit about the trials and tribulations of love, acceptance, and learning to be myself.

Having recently quit grad school with only, oh, 30 pages left to write in my thesis, I have come to discover (and continue to do so) things about myself and my own issues with quitting something that fundamentally was not right for me. I continue to grow from this experience and hope it makes me a stronger person – not the quitter I thought I was.

I have a love of things in life (good food, good wine, photography, an awesome pair of shoes, and the look of a really rustic antique piece of furniture…but totally not the “country kitchen” look of Frank’s from Trading Spaces… ew), however I really don’t know enough about any of these subjects to wax poetic about them. But from time to time, I hope to post something inspiring to others in that regard. That, and pictures of my mini dachshund.

And last, but oh so totally not least, my friendships. It’s the common bond that I feel with these other bloggers whose sites I’ve [somewhat] shamelessly lurked upon that drives me to write about how fundamental true, dear friendships can be. Our exchanges are often silly – perverse, in fact – however the emotional stability I get from my friends, and in turn seeing this on other blogs, is something that cannot be discounted or replaced by any other love in my life. I love my friends, and I love having them in my life to bring richness into it. I feel fortunate in a way that I have stayed single until 31, as I don’t think I would have discovered this otherwise. That isn’t to say that you can’t have this if you partner up early. I just know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t have.

So I hope to regularly post about these things… the things that bring me passion, life, laughter and love. I will try desperately not to blog about my job, as that could only end in termination of employment.

Bestest.